Believe nothing, question everything

We continue to live with and accept all the social conditioning that surrounds us. I finally woke up to all the injustice i was putting myself through and decided to stand against all the nonsense i was instilled with while growing up. For instance, take guilt, its the most useless and wasted emotion. Nothing good ever comes of it. Guilt is a weapon, a social conditioning weapon that people use on you because when you feel guilty you don't assert your thoughts, your rights. Trust me when i say that, i have lived with it for way too long, feeling guilty for being happy, feeling guilty for doing what i want to do and every time i have experienced happiness or joy and never being able to voice my needs or desires. And now finally i am able to see beyond all this crap, beyond all this unnecessary baggage. Unfortunately when you come from a broken home its very difficult to not blame yourself for things beyond reason at times and that's what happened to me too. Guilt will take you wherever you let it take you or you want to go and that is very dangerous. Of course now, I've moved way ahead from all of this now, however when i look back i cant help but feel angry at myself. I have come to forgive myself for being what i was and embrace the new me. It sounds insane doesn't it but i believe its important to acknowledge how one feels about oneself. Most times we ignore it, and that damages things within us further. Its time to stop blaming others and yourself and to take that first step towards your betterment, towards mending whats wrong, towards filling those gaps. 

The time to hesitate is through, its time to believe in nothing and question everything. 

To know the end, look at the begining.

I'm at a point in my life where i'm not sure of what i want, from life, from love, from myself and from some of my relationships. However i think i do know what i do not want. So eventually i will know what i want if i eliminate all that i do not want. Sounds like crazy talk i know but what can i say normalcy has never been my style. I seek a lot of things but i am not sure if i really want it, for eg, affection and love, i know i want it but i'm not sure if i need it, i seek truth but i'm not sure if i can really handle it. 

I do know i want to find out where dad is, how he is, whether he's alive or dead and more importantly i just want to know why he did what he did. Its not justification i seek but i feel meeting him will finally give me some answers i've been looking all around for. I've missed him, missed his wisdom, his sarcasm and his wonderful sense of humor. I've just missed having him around. 

Aarambh hai prachand

Cost of a Hindi to English dictionary - INR 200 

Being able to understand Piyush Mishra's poetry (Gulal) - PRICE LESS

Hindi cinema has finally evolved from sheer fleeting escapist cinema to being more meaningful and real. Change is finally here. And yes i am and will always be a little biased towards Anurag Kashyap for his sheer genius and for his his conceptual and creative ability. I've seen two of his recent movies Dev D & Gulal and have become an ardent fan. What i like most about his work is he treats me, the viewer with more respect and makes me think. He doesn't spell it all out for me like what other movie directors do, simply treat the viewer as a dumb fuck! Music and lyrics play such an integral part in his movies, for instance Dev D was a musical not in the true sense of the word but if you've seen the movie you'd know what i mean. The first half of the movie barely has dialogues, the story moves forward with just the music and lyrics. Similarly in Gulal, he weaves magic with Piush Mishra's outstanding and inspirational poetry and Raja Chaudhary's story. If you haven't seen the movie please do. And how can i not mention Kay Kay's exemplary performance, the guy deserves a standing ovation for his performance. 

I am yet to get my hands on No Smoking and Black Friday and of course cant wait for Paanch to release. 

Some of my favourite lines from Gulal... 

(Aisi Saza)

Jeevan ki rahon mein aana ya jaana,

Bata ke nahi hota hai,

Jaate kahin hai magar jaante naa,

Ki aana wahin hota hai,

Khone ki zid mein yeh kyu bhoolte ho,

Ki paana bhi hota hai... 

(Aarambh hai prachand) 

Jeet ki hawas nahi, kisi pe koi vash nahi,

Kya zindagi hai thokaro pe maar do,

Maut anth hai nahi to maut se bhi kyu dare?

Yeh jaake aasmaan mein dahaad do...

Jis kavi ki kalpana mein zindagi ho prem geet,

Uss kavi ko aaj tum nakaar do... 

Sex / love / something in between

Sex is so much better than love where i am right now, what i mean by that is where i am mentally and emotionally at this moment.  I'd like to mention something that i experienced and learnt. Its not very difficult to differentiate intimacy(a sense of belonging and closeness) and love or intimacy and sex, why i say this is because there was a time when i thought that sex, intimacy and love were very closely related and that its important to feel all with the one you're in love with, i was wrong. Let me tell you how, I made out with someone not so long ago one afternoon, i was neither intimate with him nor was i highly attracted to him. I just wanted to have a good time, have some fun and that's about it. The same evening i met the love of my life( we're not together anymore though) and i had a great time with him. We chatted, laughed, made fun of each other and finally ended up in bed which always happens whenever we're together. Now you see with him i share an intimacy i cannot have with anybody else. The point I'm trying to make with all this rambling is that we often confuse intimacy with love and love with intimacy. I have experienced both and let me tell you it is possible to feel intimate with someone you're not in love with and its not so difficult to have sex with someone you're not in love with. I'm sure men will have something altogether different to say but like i always say, 'couldn't care less'. 

Pain - a prelude to a happier life

I have come to realise that pain is such a wonderful thing. Pain has a very strange way of waking you up that no other emotion is capable of. The only way to know your real strength is through pain. This may sound insane to some but i have come to agree with the fact that pain is addictive. Pain is one such emotion that will tear you apart and will reveal things to you, help you discover what you are and who you are. As someone recently mentioned to me its almost magical to be able to walk alone emotionally and thats what pain enables you to do. So if you're not in pain you truly dont know what you're missing!

Size does matter

I'm not talking about the size of you know what. I'm talking about the size of a human being. I'm taller than an average Indian woman and I'm also big built, I'm also a little overweight at the moment but more on that later. Well its not necessarily a bad thing but I've come to realise that most of the men i see around nowadays are small, i mean they're not tall, they're not big built (broad shoulders, decent waist size of say a 32 or 34 and not a 26 or 28), they're puny to say the least. Well I'm talking about at least 3 out of 5 men that i see around fall into that small category. I broke up recently and i thought dating wouldn't a bad idea at all to keep my mind off certain things. But the minute i started to notice men around me, say in a coffee shop or at the mall, even my damn gym ( my trainer is awesome though but he's off limits) i was so disappointed! But yeah you do have the usual big bulky types as well and i cant imagine myself even talking to one. The only men i seem interested in are foreigners and mostly German or English. I think i do want to date an Englishman for sure, I'm so fascinated with their accent its not funny. But seriously it'll be nice to have a fling with an Englishman, don't you think?! 

Back to school ..

Thats what it felt like, while i sat through my first class of a program i've enrolled for after almost 8 years. The professor trying really hard to connect with the audience, some smart alecs, some rather slow participants, the usual. At first when i enrolled i had too many questions, kept wondering how tough the content of the program would be and all that but frankly after attending the class i've realised i enjoy it. The studying isn'tl that bad after all.